I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
