I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Randomize
