what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
