ya dads aren't the best wingmen
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
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