I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
