someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
