its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
