'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
