i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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