I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
