My sheets look like a crime scene.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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