I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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