I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
