That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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