The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just cropdusted the office
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
