we're chasing vodka with high fives
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
two words...techno handjob
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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