she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
