I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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