Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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