STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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