I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
