Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
