My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
