hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
