okay pat passed out under dana's car
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
