i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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