i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
