just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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