You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
