I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
