Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
