Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
