the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
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