I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
