Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
