well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize