please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
