So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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