You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
