the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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