I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
