the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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