I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
