Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
