I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
