dude i'm inner monologue high
i love accidental penises.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize