please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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