I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
