You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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