How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Someone shattered a urinal.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
