My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i love accidental penises.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize