even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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