He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
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