dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
