You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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