I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
