Where is the hickey?
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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