a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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