U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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