glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
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