if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
