I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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