i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
