we have officially lost it.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
