That's intense
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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