Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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