i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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