The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
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