Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
