Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
