...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
