Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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