so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
